The Closer I Get The More Nervous I Become

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So I am down to needing to lose less than 5 lbs. and then the Transplant Center will schedule my transplant surgery.  I feel really good that in the past two weeks I have lost about 5 lbs. and can almost taste the foods that I will be allowed to eat again after the transplant.  This has produced an un-anticipated side effect – I can’t sleep at night which I think is due to my constant thinking about the transplant – and everything that can go wrong.  Intellectually I realize that thinking these negative thoughts is stupid.  Everyone, including myself – family, friends, doctors etc… all think I will benefit from a transplant but still I stew about the negative possibilities.  When I first went on dialysis I talked with two friends who had both had transplants – one had a lung transplant and the other had both a liver and a lung transplant.  Both of these friends were very supportive and helpful and encouraged me in my dialysis – one personally when we saw each other at church and the other thru instant messaging online.  Unfortunately both died this spring due to complications from their transplants.  I know that their situations are much more complicated than mine but it is still on my mind that the only two transplant survivors I personally know are deceased.

Meg and I went out to dinner this evening and I told her about why I don’t think I am sleeping at night and my anxiety about the transplant.  She agrees with me that this thought process is not something I should dwell on, but think about the benefits of the transplant.  While she didn’t say it, I think she thinks I am acting crazy but she is far too nice a person to say that to me.  We are hoping to schedule the transplant for during the month of November, possibly as late as early December.  We need to get it done before Carolyn leaves for Spain at the end of January.  Both of us want to do this surgery with both of our daughters here and also we need like two to three months for a successful recovery and if we don’t do the transplant before Carolyn leaves then we would wait until after Kate’s wedding.  My dialysis, while a giant pain in the butt, does work and enables me some semblance of normalcy.  I would prefer to be off of Dialysis for the wedding festivities however I don’t want to be only partially recovered from the surgery so we are trying to get it done before the middle of January!

My treatments are continuing without complications – although now that I mention the smooth sailing I have been having, I will have problems with my next treatment.  My lack of sleep has not interfered with my treatments or my trips to the gym however it has drained my energy for most of my other activities.  I have been reading like crazy, mainly late at night in vain attempt to get tired so that I will fall asleep.  Eventually I will get so tired that I will sleep all night, but until then I will continue trying to lose the last 5 lbs.

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